Do you find yourself constantly nitpicking at your partner for his every flaw?
Why isn’t he more like this?
Why doesn’t he do that?
Why does he HAVE to do that?!
You notice yourself even trying to control your partner and wanting them to act, think, or be a certain way.
And this causes even MORE anxiety about your relationship!
What if there’s someone better?
What if I get hurt down the road?
What if he’s not the one?
And you stop there, taking those fears at face value. Believing that they MUST be true and that your nitpicking is justified.
I’m going to share with you WHY you look for all your partner's flaws and why it DOESN’T mean you’re in the “wrong” relationship.
The first thing that you need to understand is that anxiety drives you to seek control.
It wants to KNOW for certain that you are not doing something “wrong,” that you won’t get hurt.
So, your mind will do everything it can to gain absolute certainty and control of the things around you.
It even tries to gain control and certainty of future outcomes!
And you get stuck in a loop of thoughts, obsessing about your partner. Comparing him to other people to see if he’s “right enough.”
Anxiety wants to then control your partner. And it does this through nitpicking and magnifying flaws.
When I first met my husband, I used to analyze his every move and word.
I came from a very rigid religious upbringing that taught me that I cannot be with someone who did not have the same beliefs as me. I was taught that you would get hurt and have a horrible marriage...and disappoint god and your parents.
So I would try to control his beliefs by trying to convince him to think like me, rather than allowing him to be himself.
I would get triggered into anxiety when he had a different viewpoint on something and I believed he wasn’t “good enough” for me because of that.
I believed that he couldn’t be “the one” if we had these differences, even though it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in.
We had other differences in personality and interests, so I also nitpicked at this.
The fear-based beliefs that I had internalized were that:
Being with someone with different beliefs and interests=settling
So I tried to change him. I tried to control him so that I didn’t have to face and challenge that fear.
I tried to gain certainty that we would be okay.
When we are afraid of the unknown, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of doing the “wrong” thing, we overanalyze our partners as a way to gain certainty that we will be okay.
So if your partner does something “wrong,” you get triggered into this fear.
What if that means we won't work out?
What if that means we’re not compatible?
Your mind is wired to be hypervigilant and over-protective to a fault.
It does not allow room for humanness, mistakes, flaws, and differences.
So in order to STOP trying to change and control your partner, you have to build a relationship with uncertainty, with the messiness of the human experience.
You have to make peace with the fact that all relationships take risk.
All of LIFE is risk.
There are no certainties, there are no guarantees, and there are no perfect relationships.
You must also heal the layers of fear and pain that are underneath the anxiety that drive you to be over-protective, reactive, and guarded.
The anxiety is a protector from perceived pain. And if you have experienced pain in relationships in any way in the past, it will be over protective.
Until you heal that pain, the anxiety will keep stepping in, ready to attack your partner for any wrong move.
If you’re ready to be free of the anxiety that is sabotaging your relationship so that you can wholeheartedly embrace love, then I invite you to book a free and obligation-free 30 minute Relationship Anxiety Assessment.
We’ll map out the exact steps it would take for you to overcome relationship anxiety and experience a deeper connection with your partner than ever before.