Why Am I Not Attracted To My Partner?

Let's get real here and leave shame at the door:

Does your mind constantly focus on the attractiveness of your partner?

Do you often wonder if they are attractive enough? Funny enough? Intelligent enough? Or [insert whatever] enough?

If you've experienced this, you are not a bad partner. *Cue sigh of relief*

These anxieties about your partner’s appearance are pointing to something deeper…

We Nitpick Our Partners Because We Nitpick Ourselves

Your focus on our partner not being enough is most likely a reflection of your feelings of not being enough — because you believe your choice in partner is somehow a reflection of your worthiness.

If I have the most attractive partner, most intelligent partner, or the funniest partner, that means I’ve made a good choice. Therefore, I am good.

If my friends and family think my partner is the best, they will approve of me.

If I pick the perfect partner, that will mean I am good and worthy too.

If my partner falls short of my expectations, that’s a poor reflection on me.

What's really underneath your criticisms of your partner is that you are critical of yourself, your appearance, your intelligence, your humor. Then you project that self-criticism onto your loving partner. In order to be able to embrace your partner as they are, you must learn how to feel inherently worthy. Tuning into that inherent worthiness is knowing that no matter what, that you are enough. You can let yourself be fully human - in all of your messiness, ugliness, and imperfections. Knowing no matter how attractive your partner is, how funny your partner is, or how intelligent your partner is, you are still enough.

Then, you can see your partner through this lens of being enough. Instead of being critical toward yourself and your partner, you finally see yourself through this lens of compassion and have compassion toward the things that make you and your partner human. Because no human is perfect. There is no perfect partner. If you are always looking for perfection, your relationship will never feel like enough, love.

If you want to learn more, consider downloading our Relationship Anxiety Clarity Guide (only $1!), where I answer the top 10 most frequently asked questions I hear from those experiencing anxiety in their relationships.